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All 16 game Reviews


Jelly Escape Jelly Escape

Rated 4 / 5 stars

Ah, jelly. I despise that gooey, fruit flavored shit.
Anyway, back to the game. It's a decent little platformer, I'll give you that. The presentation is nice (if the music is a bit repetitive), and it has a certain charm to it. The controls work nicely, though the ability to walljump would've been lovely. It's very goddamn hard, but it never gets frustrating (okay, getting that last lightning is level 49 pissed me off). It's jam packed with content, and it's good fun I'd say. It's not at all perfect or stand out in any way really, but I had fun, and you will too


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The Last Stand Union City The Last Stand Union City

Rated 4.5 / 5 stars

Do you get a tax decrease if you make a zombie game? Just saying
Anyway, I liked this game, which surprised me, because I DESPISED the other Last Stand games. This is a side scrolling hack n' slashing RPG, which was rather unexpected, but it works. The mechanics all work well, it's quite fun, and even though the music is annoying as all fuck, the presentation is up there with some of the best flash has to offer. I have a couple issues; the "zombies drop out of the fucking ceiling" thing is annoying as hell, I hate that girl characters can only have husbands (hello? lesbian woman here!), and occasionally the AI is completely braindead. These are nitpicks though, to what is an otherwise excellent entry in the series.


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Double Edged Double Edged

Rated 2 / 5 stars

Hey kids! Do you like pressing the "." button? Good, because that's all you fucking do. There's no real variety outside the bosses, and everything is painfully easy. The game does succeed in aping the style of old school beat em ups (complete with terrible voice acting), but that's about the only thing it gets right. I'm sorry, but I just don't like it. It's not fun to me, and that's its most grevious sin


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Thing-Thing Arena 3 Thing-Thing Arena 3

Rated 3.5 / 5 stars

Alrighty then.
I've never really liked the grimy, gritty side of Thing Thing (hence why I dislike Thing Thing 4), so it was good to see us go back to the silly gore side of things. This is the first Thing Thing that let you be a girl without commiting genocide first, so that's what I went with. The environments and music were what you'd expect, being atmospheric and slightly generic. The mechanics work well, and the game's fun for the first half hour or so, but repetition eventually sets in. It's also incredibly easy to break the game; just keep spamming execution attacks (which I was disappointed to find there are only two, WTF) and you'll never die. There is a nice weapon variety, from laser cannons to hilariously overpowered shotguns that I swear have better range then some of the pistols. I'd say the game is good for bite sized sessions of pure murder, and that's what I'd reccomend. For a longer term investment in the series, stick with Thing Thing 3.
PS: The Dungeon level's music is fucking AMAZING.


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Madness: Project Nexus Madness: Project Nexus

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Hell. Yes.
This game is the shit. The animation is smooth, and the music conveys great atmosphere throughout. The gameplay controls, while simple and easy to grasp, still have enough room to play with and be interesting. The bullet time is kinda useless (well, I personally never used it, but W/E), but that's besides the point. There are different playable characters, and while they play the same, they each have set abilities and weapons that set them apart. My favorite is Sanford, who can use a grappling hook to grab an enemy, fish them towards him, and cut off their nipples. My only complaint is that you can't go through "Employee Only" doors. What, we're skilled infiltrators who can murder an entire group of people in seconds, yet we can't go through a door because we aren't fucking qualified? Regardless of this nitpick, I enjoyed this game, and I can't wait to see what the promised free DLC (which, BTW, every developer shoud do) will hold. 5 stars, good sir, well done.


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Rise of the Marshals Rise of the Marshals

Rated 2.5 / 5 stars

Okay then.
Presentation wise, it's decent. The graphics won't give you seizures and the music is pretty good. It's just that, well, it's kinda pointless. The story that has so much emphasis put on it is forgettable at best, with no real morality to the choices. It's either "be nice chick" or "be badass action chick". The nice personality is phony and forced, and even I, as a woman who MARRIED a badass action chick, hated the jerk options. The gameplay is rather shallow, the jump move has a delay for no apparent fucking reason, and the two classes are kinda crap. As the psychic chick you can control minds and spectral energy, and as the muscle chick you can refresh the page, start over, and PICK THE PSYCHIC CHICK you twat! It is sorta mindless fun, however, so if that's what you're looking for and you don't mind some control issues, go ahead. Otherwise, steer clear.



Nightmare Runner Nightmare Runner

Rated 1.5 / 5 stars

Meh.
Honestly, this game bores me. That's the main problem here; not the simplistic gameplay and controls, or the unique visual style, it's just that it's boring.



John Citizen 2 John Citizen 2

Rated 0.5 / 5 stars

Yeah, no.
I'm sorry, but this game is terrible. It's not the lag, or the fact that it doesn't load for anything that isn't Google Chrome, it's that it's a bad fucking game. The controls are loose as hell, making combat feel like you're pulling your own teeth out. The music is repetitive, and seems like it's their for filler. The graphics are crap, showing off the same grayish brown environments of console games. The puzzles, if you can even call them that, could be solved by anyone with a brain. I know that it's harsh, but I review based on how much fun I had with the game, and because of these things, I didn't have fun with it. Which is a shame, because I liked John Citizen 1: it was clean, colorful, and creative. This is none of those things.



Time Fcuk Time Fcuk

Rated 5 / 5 stars

...

Words. Words cannot describe this masterpiece. To say this is perfect is an understatement. This is...


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Epic Combo! Epic Combo!

Rated 5 / 5 stars

Ummm...wow

Jmbt, you're a fucking genius. Only the second game I've played from you, and I already LOVE YOU. You know someone loves a game when you PLAY IT LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR COMBO SO FUCKING HUGE YOUR COMPUTER RESTARTS.
Awesome.


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